I went on holiday with a friend Louise Ladbrooke to a beautiful holistic place in Tenerife in March. We ate great healthy food and worked with each other using different types of healing. We have both discovered Emotional Freedom Technique (tapping) recently and used it extensively using general wording I had recorded on my mobile phone by Nick Orton as part of his tapping summit.
Something else we used was the timeline therapy going back or forward in time to people and places to heal situations that we never had closure or our say.
We questioned each other in a loving non judgemental way until we found the answer to the things about ourselves we struggled with. Each of us coming to the conclusion we needed.
We laid in the sunshine, chatted and read books, just enjoying being in each others company.
A lovely magical time of friendship and healing.
When I returned home I still had the stress with the things in life that are around me at the moment. One of those is caring for my partner who has breathing difficulties and becomes very anxious which makes me feel I am unable to cry at home
Each time I went out in the car on my own I had an overwhelming urge to cry.
It looked like the healing had uncovered something else I needed to look at which took me back to my childhood.
I come from a large family and when we were young we would tease each other if one of us cried, so this came from not just one but perhaps 3 or 4 other siblings.
Over the years I would hold back the tears that were at the back of my eye’s and the sobs would become stuck in my throat. Many times at different workshops or during therapies the need to shed tears has come up for me.
I have come to realise that I never learnt to cry and feel safe.
Recently I was in a meditation with a group of others and found myself back to age 17 years in the mother and baby home being hidden from society as I was expecting a baby that would be taken for adoption. The nuns who were looking after us were very cruel and I noticed my parents were there as well.
I stood next to my 17 year old self while she was shouting at all of them “Where was the love and compassion for me. As she turned to the nuns she said “you were supposed to be Christians what happened to the love of the fellow man”
Dad said he was sorry, he was more concerned about what others would say. Mum held me and cried and said she was so sorry for not being there for me and for not realising how much I was hurting. The nuns collected up together and handed my 17 year old a gift of compassion which went straight into my heart.
Now when I am in the car driving or parked up and looking at nature I can let myself cry by saying “It is OK to cry” and “It is OK to be noisy when I cry” all this is done with gentle compassion and love. The feeling I have is of freedom as peace descends on me.
I have discovered that crying is nothing like it is in the movies, just tears in silence. It can come with racking noisy sobs or howling as the pain is released. Sometimes shouting or screaming clearing the anger before the tears can flow.
Tears come at unexpected moments with a thought or a memory of sadness or hurt. At these times I have found compassion for myself “ it is OK to have that thought” in this way the thought moves on and I find myself at peace again.
There is so much more I will learn about myself as I feel it becomes safe for me to cry and the shadows of my childhood teasing are merely just a faded memory.
I wish you compassion in your healing journey.